


Chocolate Cake

by RealityShowJunky



Series: Just Desserts [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/M, Frat Bro Sirius Black, Jealous Sirius Black, M/M, Multi, Playboy Sirius Black, Warning: Frat Bro language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23159023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealityShowJunky/pseuds/RealityShowJunky
Summary: “Yes, Remus Lupin is gorgeous, smart, funny, and hands down the best lay Sirius has ever had. Sometimes, Sirius just can’t get enough of him—of his plump mouth or the sweetness that seems to radiate out of his pores. He’ll even admit that he does prefer Remus’ company to anyone else’s ninety percent of the time. But—just because your favorite dessert is chocolate cake doesn’t mean you’ll never crave a cookie, right?”Rich frat bro Sirius Black has a great thing going until he doesn’t. In order to win back the hand of his true love, he must defeat interloping psych majors, settle old vendettas, and learn how to properly stuff a non-engagement ring in a piece of chocolate cake.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Just Desserts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1786135
Comments: 35
Kudos: 760
Collections: Wolfstar gems I would cough up





	Chocolate Cake

**Author's Note:**

> This is an ode to my days in the Twilight fandom on Fanfiction.net where Playboy Edward was a genre in and of itself.

Davey Gudgeon lays his hand, shaking all the while. Sirius doesn’t judge; he would be shaking too if he’d just bet his rent in a card game. Davey’s cards aren’t bad though. A full house could win it all back plus some if he’s lucky.

The table waits in bated breath as James Potter, Davey’s only opponent, lays his own hand. He smirks down at his straight flush as Davey lets out a guttural “ _No_.” Once again, the universe has proven that James Potter will always be the luckiest fucker in the room. Davey shouldn’t worry about the money though—James is a benevolent chapter president and plays cards for the sport, not because he needs money from his younger middle-class brothers.

Now that the game is over, Sirius takes inventory of Caradoc Dearborn’s apartment. 

Dearborn himself—who has just found out that his girlfriend cheated on him with half the hockey team—is lying face down on his couch and Sirius can’t tell if he’s blacked out or just experiencing another fit of melancholy. He doesn’t particularly care to check so turns his attention to the kitchenette, where there’s a small group having a pizza-eating contest. Predictably, Peter Pettigrew is winning.

Decidedly not interested in _that,_ Sirius settles on ambling over to the Prewett twins, who are huddled around the TV with some of the guys watching basketball. “Just the man I wanted to see,” Fabian greets.

“Oh?” Sirius steals the cigarette they’ve been passing back and forth.

“You know Edgar Bones?” Fabian asks.

Sirius thinks for a moment. “Legs for days?”

“And an ass you could rest a cup of coffee on,” Gideon adds.

“What about him?”

“Homeboy’s got it _bad_ for you.”

Sirius doesn’t try to hold back a grin. “Lucky me.”

Fabian grins back. “If I hook _you_ up, he’ll hook _me_ up with his hot sister Amelia.”

Sirius lets out a long exhale of smoke. “Go for it.”

“Your boyfriend won’t mind?” Gideon asks.

Sirius cocks an eyebrow. “Boyfriend?”

“ _Lupin.”_

Sirius rolls his eyes and takes a long chug of his beer. “Lupin’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah,” James appears suddenly over Sirius’ shoulder, “He’s just a great guy who you spend ninety percent of your time with. That’s all.”

Sirius ignores him. James is pussy-whipped now and will regurgitate whatever his girlfriend feels at any given moment. The joke of it all is that James and Lily are the ones who introduced Sirius to Remus in the first place. What did they expect Sirius to do? _Not_ relentlessly pursue the prettiest fucking creature he’d ever seen? Yeah—fucking—right.

Awakening from his stupor, Caradoc Dearborn slurs, “Why do all the good ones date assholes?”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I’m not an asshole.”

Yes, Remus Lupin is gorgeous, smart, funny, and hands down the best lay Sirius has ever had. Sometimes, Sirius just can’t get enough of him—of his plump mouth or the sweetness that seems to radiate out of his pores. He’ll even admit that he does prefer Remus’ company to anyone else’s ninety percent of the time. _But_ —just because your favorite dessert is chocolate cake doesn’t mean you’ll never crave a cookie, right?

“He sure is a cutie pie,” Kingsley Shacklebolt goads.

Gideon smirks back. “Yeah and I wouldn’t mind a _taste_ , if you know what I mean.”

“You want his number?” Sirius replies easily, not letting his growing irritation reach his voice.

When the laughter dies down, James swipes the cigarette out of Sirius’ hands and stubs it in a glass ashtray. “So you wouldn’t care if I told you that Remus had a date tonight?”

Sirius laughs. James is full of shit. His moral superiority has finally grown its own head and is trying to pull a guilt-trip. Remus is perfectly happy—Sirius satisfies him in _every_ way that matters. “Fuck you,” Sirius snorts.

“Well…” Peter Pettigrew pipes up. There’s pizza sauce and grease on his shirt and Sirius suddenly hates him.

“What was that, Chunk?"

Peter is unbothered, in fact smug. “I saw him at The Three Broomsticks when I went to pick up the pizzas. He was sitting with some guy at a booth in the back—you know, the small booths just big enough for two?”

Sirius _does_ know. It is the booth he requests every time he takes a date there… But Peter will say anything to kiss up to James. Sirius cocks an eyebrow. “Oh yeah? Did you notice that before or after you swallowed your first pizza whole?"

“I noticed it before they left holding hands and after they shared a milkshake.”

“ _Shit,”_ Gideon whistles under his breath. “Maybe I _will_ take Remus’ number if he’s so down to fuck.”

This is ridiculous and Sirius will prove it before he has to knock Gideon’s teeth out. 

He pulls out his phone, dials Remus on speaker, and sits back to wait. Remus always answers his calls and tonight will be no different. In fact, Sirius might as well pay his pretty friend a visit. His current company is severely lacking and he’d much rather end the night with Remus’ long legs thrown over his shoulders.

Frowning, James begins to say, “I’m telling you, he’s on a date—”

“ _Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. 5-5-5-8-0-5-3-5-3-0 is currently unavailable. If you would like to…”_

Without another word, Sirius jumps to his feet. The guys roar with laughter as he flies out of the apartment but Sirius doesn’t give a fuck _._ “ _Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice_ —'' Sirius hangs up and tries again. _“Your call has been forwarded_ —” And then again. _“Your call—”_

Sirius takes a deep breath. He is Sirius fucking Black, not a hormonal sixteen-year-old. He will handle the situation with dignity and reason.

___

Within half an hour he has a name. 

Benjy Fenwick is a psychology major in their year. He’s a clerk at the record store on Main Street and an intern at the Hogsmeade County Department of Human Resources. He took Remus out to see _Wanderings with Werewolves_ at the five-dollar theater and then to pizza at the Three Broomsticks. Their whereabouts thereafter are unknown.

Luckily for Sirius, there is no traffic this time of night and it only takes him about twenty minutes to Uber across town to Remus’ apartment. He doesn’t know exactly what he expects to find but he has a plan. If Benjy is there, Sirius is simply going to beat the shit out of him. If he isn’t, Sirius is going to make it clear that Remus is never to speak to the guy again and demand apology sex.

Remus answers the door in sweatpants and one of Sirius’ Lions t-shirts. The way it hangs loosely off his slender frame highlights his long neck and momentarily stuns Sirius. Without offering a greeting, he pulls Remus into a crushing kiss. Remus, long used to Sirius’ manhandling, merely wraps his arms up around Sirius’ neck and relaxes into the groove. Sirius takes that as permission enough to slide his hands under Remus’ sweatpants and roughly knead the soft skin of his ass.

After a few seconds of this, Remus pulls away and laughs, “Good evening to you too, sir.”

This pause brings Sirius back down to reality. He has a mission and he will not let Remus and his beautiful body distract him from it. Shooting Remus a scowl, he stomps through the doorway and starts his search.

After a few minutes, Remus finally speaks. “Did you lose something?” He sounds more amused than irritated. Sirius wonders if it’s Benjy that’s put him in this forgiving mood.

“Where were you tonight?” Sirius demands as he kneels down to check the space under Remus’ bed.

“Um, why?”

“I called you. You didn’t answer.”

“Yeah, I was busy.”

“With Benjy Fenwick?”

The grin disappears from Remus’ face. “Yes, actually. How’d you know?” 

“I have my sources,” Sirius says darkly.

Remus rolls his eyes. “I swear, you and your friends gossip more than a group of middle school girls.”

Sirius huffs but can’t deny it. “They were just looking out for me.”

“Looking out for you...?”

“They thought I should know that you’re fucking around behind my back.”

Remus laughs. Loudly. “Oh no, no, no, honey. That’s not how this is going to go down.”

Sirius opens his mouth to argue but Remus cuts him off.

“Sirius, did you or did you not sit me down when we first started dating and tell me you weren’t looking for a relationship?”

Sirius sputters, “Well, just because—”

“Did you or did you not take Evan Rosier to your cousin’s wedding last month?” It might be the anger mixing with alcohol in Sirius’ body, but Remus seems to be growing taller with each word. 

“You were out of town—”

“Did you or did not you not hook up with Ludo Bagman in Colorado over Christmas Break?”

_How could Remus even know about that?_

“Did you or did you not hook up with Gilderoy Lockhart in Ravenclaw Library last weekend and get seen by five people?”

Embarrassment and shame tinge Sirius’ cheeks. The feelings are foreign to him and he can only stammer, “In my defense—”

“So, no,” Remus continues coldly, “You’re not going to come into _my_ house in a possessive rage and accuse me of ‘fucking around behind your back.’ As far as I’m concerned, whatever I do with Benjy Fenwick or whoever else is none of your business. If—God forbid—I want to be taken on an actual date once in a while, I will do so _happily_ with _zero_ remorse.” Remus storms to the front door and yanks it open. “I think you should leave now.”

With that, there’s nothing left for Sirius to do but hang his head and sulk out the door. When he reaches the elevator, Remus calls after him one last time. He turns around hopefully just as Remus drawls, “By the way, you forgot to check my shower,” and then slams the door shut.

Sirius has made a terrible mistake.

* * *

“Sirius,” Lily begins, “I love you like a brother, I truly do, but if we’re being honest, I’ve been telling Remus to dump you since you started dating.”

Sirius grinds his teeth but, at James’ warning glare, remains silent.

Lily continues, “Remus is the kind of boy you take home to Mom. He’s not a casual hook up.”

Sirius groans. “But I don’t want to take _anyone_ home to my mom!”

“Well, what do you want, Sirius?”

That’s an easy one. “I don’t want Remus to be with anyone but me.”

“Okay,” Lily nods her head. “But in order for that to happen, _you_ can’t be with anyone but Remus. Are you ready for a committed relationship?”

Sirius shakes his head. “Not at all. And I don’t see why that has anything to do with it.”

Lily’s hand visibly twitches and James intervenes, “Sirius, you need to be willing to give what you’re asking for in return.”

“I understand what you’re saying but Remus is _happy_ with our arrangement. That’s why I don’t get what the problem is.”

Lily and James share a look. Eventually, Lily says, “Obviously he’s not happy Sirius, or he wouldn’t be looking for something else.”

Sirius has never had his heart broken before but he imagines this is what it feels like. 

Hesitantly, James adds, “And honestly, Sirius, if you’re not happy being with just Remus, then Remus probably isn’t the one for you either. But it’s okay if you don’t want the kind of relationship he wants; you just have to stop stringing him along. Let him go.”

Sirius isn’t sure about a lot of things but he is one hundred percent certain that letting Remus Lupin go is not an option. 

Despite the matter at hand, he has contemplated what taking his relationship with Remus to the next level would be like. Albeit in an abstract way, he’s considered being Remus’ boyfriend, moving Remus in with him, maybe even marrying him. He figures he’ll eventually want to settle down and Remus is obviously the best candidate. The problem is he’s always seen that in the very distant future, like when he’s old and his abs aren’t as defined. Now it seems that he doesn’t have that kind of time...

Sirius sighs. “So how do I do it?”

James furrows his eyebrows. “Do what?”

“The boyfriend thing.”

Matching expressions of unbridled glee blossom across James and Lily’s faces and they start speaking over each other at a rapid-fire pace. Sirius almost wants to take it back but the thought that Remus might be doing anything with anybody stops him. He sits back, clenches his teeth, and listens.

* * *

“Is this really necessary?”

“Yes,” James replies firmly. “Now, Nick from Bio?”

“...Delete.”

“Okay, Philip Nott?”

“Well…”

James glares.

“Okay, hear me out,” Sirius throws up his hands defensively, “I don’t have plans to contact him but that man can do things with a tennis ball that you wouldn’t _believe_ so it’d be a shame not to keep him as a backup.”

“Do you even want to do this because Remus has backups too...”

An inhuman growl escapes Sirius’ mouth. He doesn’t think twice before pressing _Delete Contact_.

* * *

It takes some heavy groveling but Remus eventually allows Sirius back into his life (and bed) under the condition that Sirius never pulls another stunt like that again. Sirius readily agrees, all the while finalizing his plot to cut Benjy and any others out of Remus’ life once and for all. 

He starts off by simply inviting Remus to see a movie, figuring if that’s what the man wants, he can do it ten times better than Benjy. 

“ _The Weird Sisters?_ ” 

“I’ve already seen that one,” Remus says, “It wasn’t great.” 

“Not a fan of disco?” 

“It’s always the people least suited to metallic hot pants you have to see flaunting them. Disco can stay dead as far as I’m concerned.” 

“Fair enough. _Escape From Azkaban_?” 

“I saw that too. It was depressing and the dog died at the end.” 

“ _The Marauders?_ ” 

Remus shrugs in response. Sirius would probably be more annoyed at this turn of events if Remus wasn’t draped across his lap while they scrolled through their options. However, the scent of his generic fruity shampoo can only keep Sirius calm for so long. 

“ _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore._ You’ll love that.” 

“Well...I saw it, but I wouldn’t mind watching it again!” 

Sirius drops his head back with a loud _thud._

Softly laughing, Remus readjusts himself so he’s straddling Sirius’ lap. He leans his mouth up to Sirius’ ear and murmurs, “We don’t _have_ to see a movie.” Then he presses warm kisses along Sirius’ neck until he reaches Sirius’ adam’s apple, which he licks. “We don’t have to go anywhere _._ ”

Arousal pools in Sirius’ belly but he tries to stifle it. This is _not_ how tonight is supposed to go. They are supposed to go see a movie, go out for pizza, and _then_ come back and fuck. “I want to go—”

But before Sirius can finish, Remus jumps off his lap completely. He grabs a throw pillow, tosses it on the floor between Sirius’ legs, and kneels. His hands hover over Sirius’ belt, waiting for the okay as if Sirius would ever say _no_.

* * *

The barista ( _Jeremy,_ if his name tag is to be believed) smiles at Sirius _hard._ He’s cute. Nice hair. Big dark eyes framed by long dark lashes. Perfect complexion. He’s so cute that Sirius makes the executive decision to stare firmly at the cash register during their whole transaction.

“Can I get your phone number?” Jeremy asks. Sirius stutters in a panic and Jeremy continues, “For our rewards program?”

Relief floods Sirius. “I don’t have a membership,” Sirius says, and, just to be safe, adds, “And I don’t want one!”

Jeremy is no longer smiling, which is probably for the best. “No problem. Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day.”

After he gets his drink, Sirius finds a seat out on the patio (a safe fifteen feet away from Jeremy) to kill time before his morning class. He’s lazily scrolling through Instagram when a notification from Gideon appears.

The message says, _Maybe you should put him on a leash, I know I’d like to_. Attached is a picture of Remus and Benjy having lunch at Gryffindor Commons. You can only see the back of Remus’ head but Benjy is smiling like a clown. 

_“Motherfucker.”_

It’s only seconds before Sirius is stalking back to the cash register with his most charming grin. “Hi.”

Sensing the shift in Sirius’ mood, Jeremy greets him back with the same wide smile. “Hi,” he repeats, tone flirtatiously mocking.

Sirius allows his eyes to drag up and down Jeremy’s frame. “I want something that’s not on the menu...”

“Well, here at Madam Puddifoot's,” Jeremy licks his lips, “your pleasure is our main concern. How can I help you?”

_Ping._

Instinctively, Sirius glances down at his phone and any potential response dies in his throat. His fingers glide across the screen of their own accord and his heart feels like it might stop because Remus has sent a picture of a shaggy black bear of a dog with the simple message: _Reminded me of you._

“Sir?” Jeremy prompts.

“Uh...can I just get a chocolate croissant to go?”

“...A chocolate croissant to go?”

“Yeah,” Sirius replies, placing a ten-dollar bill in the tip jar and once again reverting his eyes to the cash register. “Thanks.”

When he reaches his car, he pulls out his phone and taps another message. It’s risky but Remus has texted him while he’s on a date—he’s with Benjy but he’s thinking about Sirius, reaching out to Sirius, asking for Sirius’ attention.

**Pack a bag.**

_???_

**I’m taking you to Godric’s Hollow for the weekend.**

_I have a million things to do this weekend_

Sirius can read Remus like a book and this isn’t a no. Remus likes adventure but he’s too mild to take the leap himself so he needs someone to give him that final push. He needs Sirius. Just like Sirius needs Remus to soften his rougher edges. Really, they are a perfect match.

**I’ll be at your place in an hour.**

Remus doesn’t respond but he is waiting outside his apartment with a small duffle bag and a shy smile when Sirius pulls up an hour later. He enters the car and Sirius immediately claims his pillowy mouth in a possessive kiss. When they pull away, Remus sighs and says, “You’re crazy.”

Sirius smirks. “Yeah, but I got what I wanted, didn’t I?”

And Sirius has said the right thing because Remus responds by pulling Sirius into another kiss that sends tingles all the way down to Sirius’ toes.

* * *

The last piece of the puzzle falls into place a week before Valentine’s day.

It started when Sirius was walking down Diagon Alley with James, contemplating how to officially ask Remus to be his boyfriend and move in with him. They passed a consignment store and the vintage pieces in the window and funky art beckoned Sirius immediately. He had no taste for such things but Remus the English major was a sucker for these kinds of relics.

The owner, who had wild white hair and dilated almost-black eyes, pounced on Sirius immediately. “I know exactly what you’re looking for.”

“Er, well I’m trying to find—”

The man cut Sirius off, “The wand chooses the wizard.”

“...Okay.”

As soon as the man vanished out of sight, James muttered, “You know, I bought Lily a tennis bracelet at Tiffany’s. They had a huge selection for men. I’m sure we can find—”

The man returned as quickly as he had disappeared and wordlessly handed Sirius a small velvet box. Sirius opened it hesitantly, half afraid it was cursed, but what he found made him blink in dumbfounded amazement.

It was a ring and it was _perfect_. Set with a glittering moonstone, it was golden and thin but masculine enough for a young man. And yeah, he knew what rings signified but this wasn’t an engagement ring. It was a pretty gift for his pretty Remus. It was a signifier that their relationship was built to last. Something for Remus to look at every day and think of Sirius.

“I’ll take it.”

So now Sirius finds himself across from Remus at _The Burrow,_ a local Italian restaurant with the best lobster ravioli in Hogsmeade. It’s not as elegant as Sirius would prefer for such an occasion but the music is nice and the soft lighting makes Remus look like a golden angel, which he is anyway. It is the perfect setting for what should be a perfect night, yet… 

"I'm starving," Remus says for what is probably the fifth time. He has been single-handedly holding up both ends of the conversation since they got here because Sirius is so nervous he can only communicate through grunts.

"Yeah,” Sirius croaks back, keeping his eyes glued to his menu lest Remus read the worry in his eyes.

_Maybe deciding to stick the ring in a piece of chocolate cake isn't the best idea. What if Remus eats it by accident? What if—God forbid—Remus thinks it's an engagement ring? It’s not an engagement ring._

These thoughts are cut off by the waiter approaching their table. “Hi! I’m Barty and I’ll be your server tonight. Can I get you guys started on some drinks?”

“Hi,” Remus greets eagerly. “I’ll have a Bellini with—”

“ _You.”_

Barty the waiter’s tone is so viscous that Sirius finally tears his eyes away from the menu. The man looks familiar but Sirius cannot place him and certainly does not know why he’s so angry. “Hi?”

“You don’t even remember me, do you?”

Sirius shoots Remus a wary look before answering. “I’m sorry man, I don’t. Do we have a class together or something? Did I borrow a pencil and never return it?”

Barty scoffs. “Barty Crouch. _Crouch._ Crouch the—“

“—Couch,” Sirius finishes in a horrified whisper.

It all comes back to him. He met Barty in Freshman year and hooked up with him once at a party. He later heard a rumor that Barty hooked up with both the Lestrange brothers at that same party. Sirius was pretty sure it wasn’t true but still started calling him Crouch the Couch (because couches let anyone lay on them) for his own amusement. He thought it was so clever he spread the nickname around until it caught on. Then Barty disappeared for what Sirius assumed were unrelated reasons and never crossed his mind again.

Remus is first to break the silence. “Do you two know each other?”

As if just noticing him, Barty studies Remus for a few seconds too long before turning back to Sirius with a sickly sweet smile. “Yes,” Barty answers, “Sirius and I go way back.”

Remus smiles at Barty, though Barty’s still looking at Sirius. “That’s nice.”

Barty ignores this comment but makes a show of positioning his paper and pad. “Now, what was that drink order?”

As soon as he’s out of earshot, Remus wonders, “What the fuck was that?”

Sirius jolts to his feet and tugs at Remus’ hand. “Let’s go. I’ll take you to Les Deux.”

To Sirius’ surprise, Remus resists. “Let’s just stay. I’m honestly starving and we’ll never get into Les Deaux this late on Valentine’s. Besides, I’d feel underdressed. And Barty can’t hate you _that_ much. What’s the worst you did to him? Sleep with him and never text back?”

“I…” This story sounds _much_ better than the truth so Sirius goes with it. “Yeah, something like that.”

Remus shrugs dismissively. “He’s not going to, like, slip something in our food over _that._ ”

“Yeah,” Sirius agrees, not believing the words at all. “You’re probably right.”

The rest of the night goes well if you don’t take into account Sirius’ stunted conversation skills and Remus’ subsequent Bellini over-consumption. Barty is suspiciously polite and the food is delicious. It’s not until they’re done with dessert that Sirius realizes something terrible has happened.

“See?” Remus offers a dimpled smile as he pushes his dessert plate away. “He didn’t slip poison into our food.”

“That we know—“ Sirius chokes on his words.

“Are you okay?” Remus asks.

“I—“

When Sirius called to make reservations he made plans with the manager to put the ring in Remus’ chocolate cake. The manager assured Sirius that men requested this all the time and the staff had a system in place to avoid any potential accidents. Sirius dropped the ring off that morning without any problem.

Yet, there sits Remus’ empty plate with not a ring to be found. 

“Sirius?”

“Are you _sure_ you didn’t taste anything weird...or feel something weird?”

Remus furrows his eyebrows. “No, did you? Are you coming down with something? You seem...off.”

Sirius _knew_ it was stupid to put a ring in a piece of cake. He’s been spending so much time with James that all reason has abandoned him.

“Actually, I _am_ feeling a bit off tonight. I’m just going to go to the restroom—I’ll be right back.” Before Remus can say another word, Sirius is out of his seat and out for blood. He is going to wring the neck of Percy the good for nothing manager.

He’s walking down the empty back hallway towards the little weasel’s office when Barty appears out of nowhere and muscles him into a broom closet. “Looking for this?” He holds up the ring—Remus’ beautiful moonstone ring—in his bony fingers. Sirius reaches for it but Barty’s hand snakes away.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Barty ignores this and says, “Never thought I’d see the day Sirius Black proposes.”

“I’m not proposing it’s—whatever, just give it back.”

Barty cocks his head to the side in mock contemplation. “Don’t think I will.”

“I will literally bash your head in.”

“I’ll lawyer up so fucking fast.”

 _Little bitch._ “That’s fine,” Sirius replies nonchalantly, “I’ll just get my ring back from your manager.”

Barty shrugs. “There are four other men proposing to their girlfriends tonight and all of them had the same brilliant idea to stuff their rings in food. Maybe yours goes missing in the shuffle. Who’s to say that’s my fault? And when it miraculously reappears after you leave, my manager’s going to be so happy they don’t have to reimburse you, I’ll probably get a fucking raise.”

Sirius glares, “You’re _evil.”_

“ _You_ are evil!” Barty exclaims without any of his previous bravado, “You ruined my life!”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I came up with a stupid nickname, big deal. _You_ are going to ruin my first Valentine’s day with Remus!”

That same saccharine smile from before returns to Barty’s face. “I’ve seen that guy around. He works at the Student Union, right? He’s _nice.”_

Sirius narrows his eyes. He doesn’t know where Barty’s going with this. “Yes. He is.”

“Maybe we should ask _him_ if what you did to me was a big deal.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Sirius growls.

“Nice boys don’t marry assholes,” Barty sings.

“It’s _not_ a fucking engagement—” Sirius stops himself and thinks fast. Obviously Barty is after something or else he’d have already outed Sirius in front of Remus. “What do you want? I’ll give you all the cash in my wallet if you just give me my ring back and let us go in peace.”

“I don’t want _money,”_ Barty spits. “I want you to acknowledge what you did to me! I want you to fucking _apologize!”_

“Oh.” Sirius hasn’t thought of this. “Um, I’m sorry, Barty.”

Barty snorts. “You could not sound less sincere if you tried.”

Sirius huffs and shuffles in discomfort. The only person he has ever apologized to and meant it is Remus and it’s easy to apologize to big chocolate eyes and a pair of long legs that fit perfectly wrapped around his waist. 

Barty clears his throat expectantly.

Sirius sighs. Maybe he does owe the little snake an apology. The nickname did make it all the way to TA’s after all. “Barty, I am truly sorry…”

By the time Sirius frees himself, it’s been a full twenty minutes and his eyes need to readjust to the light. Warning bells are going off in his head because he knows what the situation looks like but he’s not prepared for the total devastation he feels when he finds their table empty.

A new waiter approaches hesitantly, “Sir?”

Sirius rounds on him. “Did you see where my date went?”

“Yes, Sir. He—um—he _left_.” 

The ring in Sirius’ pocket suddenly feels heavy and it’s hard to stay standing. Some of him knows this is karma coming to get him for all the horrible things he’s done over the years but most of him wants to collapse in on himself from the heartache.

“But he did settle the check!” The waiter adds as if this is a positive and doesn’t rub salt into Sirius’ wounded pride.

It takes Sirius too long to slump to his car but when he finally reaches it, he immediately goes to the backseat, where Remus has tossed his jacket. After ten minutes, the scent has calmed Sirius enough to drive home, so he moves to place the jacket safely in the passenger’s seat. As he does so, a small package falls to the pavement. Heart beating rapidly, he snatches it.

It’s a box, not unlike the box in Sirius’ pocket, with a cute little bow sitting atop. Sirius immediately knows it’s for him and it takes him roughly fifteen seconds to decide to open it.

A key. Silver and slightly rusted and absolutely gorgeous. It’s a key to Remus’ apartment and a surge of joy and resolve flushes through Sirius’ veins. He knows exactly what he needs to do.

___

Remus opens the door after the first knock. He’s wearing the same green sweater from earlier that makes his skin extra creamy and his eyes extra brown but his face is blank of its previous sparkle and affection. Sirius wants nothing more than to collect him in his arms and claim a kiss but now is not the time.

“Remus,” Sirius breathes, unsure of how to best approach him.

“We need to talk,” Remus says solemnly, standing aside to allow Sirius entrance.

This doesn’t sound promising so Sirius tries again, “I know what it looks like but I—”

Remus cuts him off. “I don’t really want to hear it, Sirius. Just come inside.”

It’s the painful downturn of Remus’ lips and the crinkle of his doe eyes that spring Sirius into action. “Nothing happened,” he says firmly, holding his head high with the knowledge that he is speaking the truth.

Remus rolls his eyes. “Sirius, you disappeared for twenty minutes with our waiter who you obviously have history with. I know you weren’t in the bathroom because I checked. I’m not stupid.”

“I _promise_ I would not do that to you,” Sirius says, “I—”

“Wouldn’t you?”

That feels like a stab in the back. “ _No,”_ Sirius growls. “ _Never.”_ How could Sirius be tempted by anyone else when Remus Lupin was sitting across from him, so warm and sweet and ready for the taking?

“You…” Remus closes his eyes and blurts, “You have been seeing other people since we started dating, Sirius. You don’t even try to hide it. And yes, I knew what I was getting into and people warned me about the kind of guy you are but you were so charming and persistent so I pretended—” Remus cuts himself off and finally opens his eyes. He moves to plop down into an armchair before continuing. “But then you got so jealous and started doting on me so I thought…” Remus groans. “I don’t like these games. I don’t like the way you mess with my head. I—I don’t want to see you anymore.”

It again occurs to Sirius that this is karma. 

He’s always gone through life carelessly in the way handsome young men are allowed to, never having to answer to anyone because he was already on top of the food chain. But Sirius has always known that at the end of the day, the universe is a series of checks and balances; the lion eats the deer that eats the grass that _is_ the lion. It is only nature’s law that the one time Sirius acts monogamously is the one time his philandering ways should catch up to him.

But, unfortunately for the universe, Sirius has never been one to follow the rules. So, even though his chest is so tight it’s hard to talk, he says, “I’ve never taken anyone out on Valentine’s day before.”

Remus sighs, “So?”

“I’ve never barged into anyone’s apartment in a jealous rage before.”

“Okay—”

“I’ve never carried someone’s books around Flourish and Blotts for _two hours_ while they perused the entirety of the fiction section before.”

“Sirius—”

“I’ve never woken up at six in the morning to drive someone to their seven o’clock shift before. I’ve never stayed in on a Saturday night to marathon _Lifetime_ movies before. I’ve never built someone’s Ikea furniture before. I’ve never laid in bed with someone for hours talking about nothing before.” Sirius takes a deep breath. “I’ve _never_ met a boy like you before.”

Remus bites his bottom lip before whispering, “That sounds like a lie.”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

Sirius Black is many things to many people but a liar is not one of them. 

“No,” Remus admits warily, “but…”

“Can I please tell you what really happened tonight?”

After what feels like an eternity and a half, Remus nods his head yes.

With that, Sirius explains the whole thing, nasty nickname and all. Though he scrunches his face at some parts, Remus does not interrupt. This gives Sirius the courage to reach into his pocket, pull out the little box that feels like it’s carrying the weight of the world, and shakily offer it to Remus.

“It’s not an engagement ring?” Remus reaffirms cautiously.

“No,” Sirius laughs, “it’s a promise.”

“Oh?” Remus grins.

“It’s a promise that as long as you wear it, I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine.”

Remus whistles. “That sounds like a mighty task.”

Sirius shakes his head. “Actually, I think it’s the easiest thing I’ll ever do.”

Remus fiddles with the ring before sliding it onto his middle finger, where it fits like it was made specifically for his delicate hand. Before Sirius can say anything else, Remus says, “I have a couple presents for you too. Why don’t we start with the fun one?”

Sirius straightens up almost giddily, expecting Remus to bring up the key which is still in its box in his jacket. However, the man heads over to his refrigerator instead, where he collects a can of whipped cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup. Then, he interlaces one hand with Sirius’ and leads him to the bedroom. “I’m _craving_ a banana split right now.”

Sending a quick thank you to his best friend the universe, Sirius allows his new boyfriend to shove him backwards onto the bed and devour him whole.

**Author's Note:**

> This was so much fun to write! I hope you guys enjoy frat bro Sirius as much as I do. You can find me on tumblr @theprongsletthatlived if you're interested. Stay safe, my friends.
> 
> UPDATE: I have started writing this fic from Remus' POV! The first chapter is currently up. You can also find extra headcanons I've written about this fic on my Tumblr tagged under Chocolate Cake.
> 
> Love,  
> Victoria


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